JESUS CHRIST!!! GOOD MORNING, I AM AN ADDICT!

It is 6.45 am.
I can hear it before I see it, before I gauge it, before I’m even sure it’s real and not in my current dream, which involves Monica Bellucci, a gang of dwarves and some french onion soup at an outdoor cafe in the Italian alps.
“WHOO. WHOO. WHOO. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
The sheer volume of happiness [...]

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YELLOW TOW TRUCK IS BORN

I say good morning to my daughter by her given birth name.
Quite reasonable I thought (I HADN’T HAD COFFEE YET…A GRAVE MISTAKE).
Her face met my sleepy eyes with thunder and dismay, a wave of disgust rolling over her delicate features.   
“THAT’S NOT MY NAME, MY NAME IS ‘YELLOW TOW TRUCK!’”

Oh yes.

That’s right, I forgot.
Silly me.
I [...]

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WARNING! MATERIALISTIC NUCLEAR ATTACK! WARNING!

 
Whenever the teenager calls, my phone blasts a custom ringer. It is an emergency siren, the likes of which you might hear if your house was about to be hit by a tidal wave, or if a nuclear attack was seconds from melting your skin.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“Dad, can I ask you a quick question?”
“Yes.”
“Can I get both [...]

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CONTROLLING YOUR INNER-CHILD!!!

Sandbox politics. 
Absurd, infuriating and guaranteed to create an inner monologue which will require every last ounce of strength to prevent the irretrievable journey from brain to mouth. 
Take, for example, the concept of toddlers sharing. 
Now to me, sharing is a pretty easy concept to get across to your wee ones; child has a few minutes with [...]

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Sandbox Politics

Is it just me, or whenever you wander down to the playground with your child during the week, Mums look at you with the sort of stare reserved for bums, pedophiles and wasters, or perhaps even a glorious combination of all three? And then if your little angel comes off the slide a little too [...]

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