Hugging toilet seats in a politically correct world…

“Can I have it please Daddy-Dog*? I wanna hug it!”
“No, no you cannot hug a toilet seat right now, Mater-Dog, one because I am driving and two because you’ll probably be doing plenty of that in your later teens!”
My wife gave me a sharp elbow in the side, which fell on deaf blubber but did [...]

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BIODEGRADABLE…BI-O-DE-GRAD-AB-LE!!!!

The teenager turned to spit a large flobb of phlegm into the flower beds behind him.
“DON’T!” I roared. “GO TO THE BATHROOM AND SPIT IT INTO THE TOILET…”
“Uggghhh!”
“…OR DOWN A DRAIN…”
“Ugggghhhh….”
“…or bloody well swallow it!”
“BUT IT’S BIODEGRADABLE!”
“BUT IT’S BLOODYDEGRADING!”
My friend, who happened to be sitting outside with us and thus witnessed the whole scenario, sighed [...]

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The Value Of ‘things’…

The warning siren goes off. 
It’s him.
I chuckle at the shock members of the general public in my immediate vicinity are displaying at this most apocalyptic of ring-tones. “My son’s special ring-tone,” I say casually, a smile on my face, “Ha ha, bloody teenagers, eh?!” They think I’m mad of course. Anyhow, I answer the siren.
“Hello?”
“Oh, [...]

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Scruncheling The Iron Lady…

We have just moved house. 
The toddler is racing around like a bigger lunatic than usual, infused with not just delight and curiosity but also a large amount of sugar, specifically two small cartons of chocolate milk. 
We have just put the books on the shelves and she has a dust cover for one particularly large volume [...]

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