JAMES BROWN WAS RIGHT…

To some, when James Brown was arrested in 1988 for asking who was using his personal bathroom (whilst brandishing a shotgun) it was the act of a crazy man. I remember laughing along with everyone else.

Yet here I am, 21 years later, an older man, a father of two children, one just about to turn 17, the other about to turn 4, and I can tell you unequivocally that I, Steffan Chirazi, do solomnly swear that I understand EXACTLY why James Brown asked the question, why he insisted on waving a shotgun to punctuate his curiosity, and why every father should have their OWN goddam bathroom where NO-ONE ELSE CAN ENTER. That’s right, no-one. Not the kids, not the missus, not your visiting parents or in-laws, siblings, your dirty, slobbery, beer-stenched buddies, indeed, absolutely NO fucker should be allowed to use YOUR PERSONAL BATHROOM.

Because (and take a deeeeeeep breath) our bathroom time is a sanctuary; an escape from the pressures of everyday life, a welcome respite from the relentless dynamics of family life.  Ever heard someone yell in exasperation, “CAN’T I EVEN SHIT IN PEACE?” Well it was probably me. Yesterday. And the day before. And the day before that. And forever. Because I swear to God, whenever my bowels rumble or I get a tinkle-tickle, as soon as I make my way towards the bathroom, someone is guaranteed to either get there a fraction before me and take their time, or get there moments after I have closed the door and breathed a sigh of relief, hammering on the outside, perhaps just asking ‘how long I’ll be’ (answer: 20 minutes. Now can you kindly depart to the DOWNSTAIRS BATHROOM!!!!) or, I don’t know, asking,”Steffy, have you just gone in?” (No, I actually went in two hours ago, didn’t you notice?) Honestly, our family has the most extraordinary habit of  managing to disrupt my every movement; if I even get up quietly and head off to the can, someone’s onto it, someone will need something and the sanctity of my moment alone is destroyed. Example? 40 minutes ago, I tried to take a peaceful poo, only for two hands to bang on the door within 30 seconds of my arse touching the seat with a little voice yelling ‘DADA, I NEED TO GO PEE PEE!’ and my wife to shout, ‘Steffy, she needs to use the bathroom!’ Oh REALLY? WHAT a shock!!! I mean, Jesus, don’t  ANY of them understand? Half the time its NOT ABOUT DEFACTING OR URINATING, it’s about ESCAPING!!! Think of it as a mini-vacation, a small trip to a comfy place where your time is your own, you can do what you want and you answer to no-one. No passport, visa or cash needed. I mean, if I actually DID expunge waste every time I went through the hallowed portal, I’d be in need of a hospital!

The point is that  Mr.Brown knew the score when it comes to men and bathrooms, and unlike many of us, who spend our lives in constant compromise, Mr.Brown took it not only to the bridge but beyond the point of no return. That is to say, he didn’t give a flying fuck, he said it loud, ’stay out of the man’s can or suffer the consequences.’ Yet society, in all it’s politically-correct ‘I’ve-never-thought-like-that’ hypocrisy saw fit to mock the Godfather of Soul, to castigate him for being ‘crazy’ and to ultimately arrest and incarcerate him.

She never knew what we discussed in the dressing room until now!

I had the opportunity to discuss this with him a year before he passed away.* Mr.Brown was performing in Oakland and so recognizing a true ‘brother in arms’ I reached out. He responded. Yes yes yes, we discussed other stuff too, but we touched upon the importance of bathrooms to men in that short, simply way in which only two men bonded by deep understanding could do. As I remember, the conversation went something like this.

ME: Mr.Brown, I just wanted to say that whilst I once ridiculed you for your stance on bathrooms, I now not only understand it, I applaud it! Good Lord man, how the HELL did you survive all those years beforehand?

MR.BROWN: It was tough young Steffan, it was tough…when I was younger, with time, patience and no kids, I just stuck it out, other times I bolted the damn door so tight you’d have needed dynamite to get in, but for  much of the time in thee later years I wore headphones or earplugs so as I could not hear anyone.

ME: So you suffered the personal interruptions every Goddamn day too? Not just the filthy, disgusting criminals who compromised your sanctity with their useage?

MR.BROWN: Absolutely, abso-lutely! Of course my way of dealing with that was to run a very small electric wire around the door-frame,like what farmers have to keep sheep and cows in, with a light ‘charge’ and that soon dissuaded the would-be interlopers from ruining my can-time! Some would say that’s cruel, but to me, it was a way of signaling boundaries, which are important things to learn about in life. And as I have always said, you shit in another man’s toilet and you’re shittin’ on HIM! Which is not cool!

ME: What a fantastic idea!!! No-one ever got hurt?

MR.BROWN: Naaaaaa, of course not, that wouldn’t be right either. The point wasn’t to hurt people, it was to educate them! Nah, you just gotta juice it up enough to where they know that if they keep on fuckin’ with your toilet time, that it ain’t gonna feel good for anyone!!!

ME: Inspirational Sir!!! I thank you.

MR.BROWN: Not at all young Steffan…and let me guess…you’re a father right? 

ME: YES!

MR.BROWN: Coupla kids runnin’ around?

ME: YES YES!

MR.BROWN: Son…a few words of advice. Firstly, when in your sanctuary, develop the hearin’ of Helen Keller, the self-belief of prime-time Ali and the air of a President; remember, that’s YOUR time they’re messin’ with! And second? Get your own can…because without that, there can be no true peace between husband and wife, father or kids. Trust me on that one…

Of course the Godfather of Soul was right. And  when my means become as such that I can install a third bathroom around here, then it shall be done. It will be soundproofed, it will have a reading-rack which will hold all the finest publications from around the world, it will have a laptop computer on a swivel arm, it will have a small, flat-screen monitor into which soccer will be instantly available and it will have various types of lighting depending on what’s necessary. It will be mine!!! And no-one else will be ALLOWED TO USE IT OR INTERRUPT ME WHILST I USE IT!

 

 

 

*It is wholly possible I have got vast portions of our conversation completely wrong.