ACT ONE
(The kindergartener enters the office pre-recess. We see her speaking with the secretary. We see the secretary give her a sympathetic look and dial a phone. The kindergartener shuffles onto a chair in the office and sits still, eyes wandering the room.)
VOICE OFF-STAGE: She’s not feeling well?
SECRETARY: NO, she says her stomach hurts and that she has a headache. A lot of them have been saying that already this morning.
V-O-S: OK, I’ll be right there.
(We see the secretary place the phone down just as the kindergartener’s teacher comes in, waving at her)
TEACHER: Don’t call that parent yet, I think the kid is really OK…
SECRETARY: Oh…uh…I already did!
(LIGHTS DIM)
WE SEE A MAN SITTING AT A TABLE OUTSIDE A CAFE WITH TWO FRIENDS. HE ANSWERS HIS PHONE.
MAN: Hello…what? …ill? Seriously? She was bouncing off the walls like a nutter earlier today! …you’re going to get her…(sigh)…yes…I suppose i can cancel my soccer game…yes…OK…see you soon.
WE SEE THE MAN TURN TO HIS FRIENDS AND ROLL HIS EYES
MAN: Christ, the mini-muppet’s pulling a fast one, i can sense it! Says she’s ill!!!!!
THE TWO FRIENDS LAUGH.
(LIGHTS DIM)
(LIGHTS COME UP AGAIN)
WE SEE SIMULATED SUNLIGHT AND HEAR A CAR WHISTLE BY A MAN WHO’S STANDING ON THE ROAD. WE HEAR A CHILD’S VOICE, AS IF SHOUTING FROM THE CAR WINDOW. THE VOICE IS ALMOST CHIRPY AND RATHER LOUD.
CHILD (voice from offstage): Daaaaddy, I’m not FEELING WELL SO I’M GOING HOME!
WE SEE THE BEMUSED FATHER TURN TO THE AUDIENCE AND SCREW HIS FACE UP IN CONFUSION, HIS FRIENDS STANDING BEHIND HIM CHUCKLING.
(LIGHTS DIM)
(LIGHTS COME UP)
We are in a girl’s bedroom. The girl is in her pyjamas. The man is standing by her bed with a medicine cup and two pink tablets.
MAN: OK, so eat these two tablets, they’re Peptobismol and they will settle your stomach.
CHILD: Daddy I think I’m going to throw-up…can I watch Spongebob?
MAN: No. You cannot watch Spongebob. You’re ill and you need to rest. I will put a bowl in your bed and if you feel like throwing up, please do so in the bowl OK?
CHILD: (disappointed) Ooooo kaaaay. Can I read?
MAN: A bit.
CHILD: How long is a bit?
MAN: You’re ill. Your headache and upset stomach will tell you, and if they don’t, I will come in and tell you have no fear about that.
THE CHILD LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT THE MAN, AS THOUGH ENGAGING IN A GAME OF MENTAL CHESS YET NOT QUITE WANTING TO LET ON. SHE ALLOWS HER EYELIDS TO GET GET HEAVY AND RELEASES HER HEAD SO AS IT FALLS BACK ONTO THE PILLOW.
(LIGHTS DIM)
(LIGHTS COME UP)
WE SEE THE CHILD IN A HALLWAY, HOLDING HER BLANKET aka ‘mimo’, AND SHE IS SPEAKING TOWARDS THE MAN WHO IS STANDING IN THE AUDIENCE. SHE FACES THE AUDIENCE.
CHILD: DADDY, CAN I GET UP NOW?
MAN: No. You’re ill, remember? Does your head still hurt? How’s the stomach?
CHILD: Well, I slept a lot and I think it’s better now. I didn’t throw up.
MAN: (feigning shock) REALLY? WOW. GOOD NEWS!!!! But back in bed please, you need more rest.
CHILD: Can you take my temperature?
MAN: No.
CHILD: Why?
MAN: Because you’re only slightly warm.
CHILD: Is that bad?
MAN: No. it means you’re alive. Now go to bed.
THE CHILD GAZES AGAIN WITH A SEMI-QUIZZICAL LOOK. SHE TURNS AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO HER ROOM.
(LIGHTS DIM)
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
WE SEE THE CHILD IN THE SAME HALLWAY SCENARIO. A LIVING ROOM IS STAGE RIGHT/HOUSE LEFT. THE MAN IS IN THE AUDIENCE AGAIN.
CHILD: Now can I get up Daddy?
MAN: You didn’t sleep very much did you?
CHILD: (grinning, wide-eyed, shakes her head ‘no’).
MAN: OK, go to the sofa. I will put the Spongebob film on, but you must lie down and relax.
CHILD: (smiling lightly) OK.
THE CHILD BOUNCES ONTO THE SOFA, LIES DOWN AND PULLS BLANKET OVER HER.
THE MAN PUTS SPONGEBOB ON.
CHILD: Daddy. I’m hungry!
MAN: I thought your stomach hurt?
CHILD: Only a little bit.
MAN: Toast it is…by the way, how’s the headache.
CHILD: (drops face into a lower-register semi-sad expression)…Weeeeell…it’s a little better…is kinder-care still open?
MAN: It is but you’re resting because you’re ill, remember?
CHILD: (sighs) OK…
(LIGHTS DIM)
(LIGHTS COME UP)
The child is on one sofa, the man on the other. Spongebob is finishing. We see the front door open and a woman walk in.
the child leaps from the sofa and runs to the front door.
CHILD: MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA!
WOMAN: Hiiiii, are you feeling alright?
MAN: Let me interrupt…she has bravely fought off the awful stomach pains and appears to have battled back the headache, am I right?
CHILD: (dropping back to lower-register, semi-sad expression) Yeeaah…kind of.
MAN: They’ve both gone though right?
CHILD: Well…my stomach doesn’t hurt that much but the headache has moved from here (points at top of head) to here (points at side of head).
WOMAN: Ah.
MAN: Hmmm.
CHILD: Can you take my temperature? I might have a fever!!!
MAN: I’m afraid I can’t because I know you don’t have a high temperature?
CHILD: But I might?
MAN: Sadly, the only way to tell if you have a slightly elevated temperature would be to do the ‘last resort’ reading with the thermometer, and that entails placing it in your bottom!
CHILD: Eeeeuuwww (turns to woman) Mama, he’s not right is he?
WOMAN: (sighing with a slight, slight grin) Sadly he is.
MAN: When there are very minor shifts in temperature it’s the only way.
CHILD: Eeuuuwww, the thermometer would be brown!!!!
MAN: I don’t REALLY think we need to take your temperature after all, right?
CHILD: (sighs) No daddy, actually I think I don’t have a fever…
The man walks over, holds her head and presses a thumb gently into the top. he acts as though he knows what he is doing with regards to pressure point head massage, but the truth is the only thing he knows that he’s doing is pressing his thumb gently into her head.
MAN: (authorative soothing voice) Does that feel better?
CHILD: Yeeaaaah…
MAN: Has the pain gone?
CHILD: Yeah…if kinder care is open, I think I could try to go and be fine!!!
WOMAN: Really?
MAN: Really?
(THE MAN AND THE WOMAN EXCHANGE KNOWING GLANCES).
CHILD: Yeah. I think so, I’m prepared to try it. I think I’m fine now.
MAN: Did anyone else complain of bad stomachs and headaches today?
CHILD: Well, Maddy said she had a headache and some other kids said they had headaches and bad stomachs too.
MAN: And do you think you caught it in the classroom this morning then?
CHILD: (nodding with wide-eyed earnestness) Yeah!
MAN: Well then, you certainly can’t go to kinder care, no, because you called the sick shot today and we now need to make sure you’re OK. Now, before I go, I juuuuuust want to make sure. Stomach good? Headache gone?
CHILD: Well, my stomach is OK but the headache has now moved to one side of my neck.
MAN: Wow! A traveling headache in ‘becomes neck-ache shocker’! Crikey! Lucky you didn’t try and brave it back to kinder-care then eh? (GENTLY RUNNING FINGERS THROUGH HER HAIR) And I can tell you, the next time we get a phone call from the office saying you have a headache or upset stomach, unless you are vomiting or children’s headache tablets don’t work, I will not be come and get you. Do you understand? Are we clear?
CHILD: (nodding with the look of someone who just suffered a check-mate) Yes.
THE MAN LEAVES, THE WOMAN SMILES QUIETLY, THE MAN ROLLS HIS EYES AS HE LEAVES THE ROOM AND THE CHILD WATCHES SPONGEBOB…
ENDS
